Voice: Persona.

.8 November 2009 ' 1:42:00 PM Y

#1063

eighteen hours left including sleep tonight! (but the day has barely started)
KO-ed on the table twice last night and six times this morning since 9am.
im really tired but i cannot sleep, hungry but i cannot eat because my parents are sleeping too.
and i dont really dare to eat much because the food poisoning symptoms are still here :( suay or what?
it seems like Agent Fatigue cannot kill me, so they got Amateur Undercover Agent Food Poisoning to do the job.
humour can't even wake me up, sighzzzzzz.

after As i really want to sleep for three days three nights.
be lethargic for all i care.

.4 November 2009 ' 12:10:00 AM Y

#1062

everybody asks me about my preparation- friends, teachers, neighbours, cashiers when i buy things................ i give an answer that i myself dont even know how valid it is. oh well.

these days i broke out of my nocturnal cycle already, slept much more and i realised that i am actually better off with sleeping for a few more hours.

um.. i am hei pi.. i mean happy! HAHA. i am a very easily contented person, i guess. the night my parents and i talked over supper downstairs about my brother, saying how my brother has gotten on much better terms with my mother (since he's going to work with her everyday now)....... makes me really happy. i mean, he has started being more energetic and enthusiastic to US, which is a great achievement and i am actually super super super damn happy.

and this is something that a million bucks can never buy.

my motto for every exam is damn simple: study until there is no room for regrets.
not bad lah right.

school tomorrow, its the 8am one! poetry not done, things unpacked but everything else is fine i guess.

guess why i am rather optimistic now? i learnt this shit from the IJC gp passage:

"Kafka wrote: "It is not neccessary that you leave the house. Remain at your
table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly
still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can
do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet." He is not talking about
the pursuit of happiness. He's talking about making oneself genuinely available
to it. He is talking about opening one's senses to be the little delights of
life and the granular texture of unsolicited joy."

not bad right. and i dont know why people are confining themselves to this damned martyr complex. what, sacrificing yourself to make everybody happy and then imply your suffering? or plant yourself in this high pedestal and be so.. condescending. thats the only word in my mind now.

haiz. okay goodnight everybody!

.2 November 2009 ' 12:18:00 AM Y

#1061

Turn it off -Paramore

I scraped my knees when I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like
It's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
Or turn it off in all my spite
In all my spite i'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah)
The wheels are cranking, turning,
It's all wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing

.1 November 2009 ' 12:01:00 AM Y

#1060

this week's been really draining. py really wasnt keeeding me when she said we churn out 10-20 essays per week. i dint really believe it at first, but out of curiousity i counted this week's and it was 18. no, its not about quantity, but how we are getting so damn close to the end of the road.

there's been quite alot of sacrifices made this time round. i cant even start naming them, because the list is definitely not exhaustive, and it is so painful to even think about it. i know, i know, that people have been whining about compromising on friendship. yet for me i have been compromising so much on the family.

failure, failure. sometimes i am definitely on the verge of mental breakdown, and i know the feeling so well, it rises up within me time and again, only to get surpressed by myself and instead, get unleashed in my mind. if you'd know how devastating it is, if you'd know how mindblowing it is. i secretly break down way too many times.. its just difficult for anyone to understand.

well.. been in school for five times this week, my nocturnal plans are not progressing well. yes, ive managed to do some work till morning, yet i wake in the early morning as well, fatigue shadows discipline and i become less of a credible person than i was. 3 hours a day of sleep is really breaking me down. yet there is a fear that keeps me from sleeping, terrifying.

well, i will get through this, eventually.

.30 October 2009 ' 1:17:00 PM Y

#1059

realised i forgot to blog this. if any of you read this, thankyou for oct24th! :D

gawd, my eyes hurt shit. slept at 430am and woke at 850am by py's call, only to reach tp bus stop at 9am. pro or not? :/

everyone is getting really puffed up these days. seen quite a few people succumbing to stress and anxiety.. well if any of you read this as well, im just a text/call away okay! (although my phone dies whenever i take calls!) dont worry about me having exams- if any of you are not well, i doubt i can focus either. take care alright!

.29 October 2009 ' 12:04:00 AM Y

#1058

i really want to get out of where i am now. i really want to stop being myself now.. if it is really myself even. it doesnt mean that when another person feels the same way as you do, then you're right. it doesnt mean that when people support you it means that what you are doing is right.
so when are things right?

i wish i never had to become like this, and its rather difficult to apologize.
seriously seriously, context is all.

.28 October 2009 ' 12:32:00 AM Y

#1057

i know time is draining off and so is my health. do you ever have an urge to just call up old friends.. hoping to get a good conversation?

times like this makes me want to just slip away, slip away into the darkness.
for i can swear against heaven that my words contain no malice, i hold no responsibility if you think otherwise.

.26 October 2009 ' 10:27:00 PM Y

#1056

today all i did was to attend consults, write a page of notes, and then went for steamboat. upheaval in the late afternoon because one of my inner tooth was shaky and i just pulled it out (yes its quite pain i think i hurt the tooth root alr). made a rather desperate wish with the tooth fairy using that one tooth. tasted blood the entire day - cut my lip in the morning, plucked out tooth in the afternoon, and ate bloody chicken wings in the evening; yes i feel like a vampire.

ran out after climbing up to my house after dinner, all the way to tp because i forgot melody was waiting there.. like 40mins already? totally ran through streets and across roads and past tp people in ugly home wear but who really remembers me anyway i just dont want to end up as one of the shitholes in my life who make people wait wait and wait.

and what awaits me for the rest of this day is just.. commitments and chores. the day is ending in less than two hours time, and ive failed in my plan of screwing up my body clock and going nocturnal as well.

screweddddddddddddup. is a word i never ever wanted to say.

.23 October 2009 ' 11:03:00 PM Y

#1055

LOL! what a nice and timely birthday present :D good good anyway.

thank you munishit, py, rebba, safiyah and kl and maybe puss and dick? for the birthday cakes! diabetes to the bone man. and the chio necklace! and to kl for treating me raspberry mousse cakeee and joween's (and clement and celestine's) 'October Collection'! rather looking forward to see my bestif and fav people again tmrrr!

and.. i think that people should just stop being so selfish already. part with such memories? no, no.

.22 October 2009 ' 1:33:00 AM Y

#1055

chill, priscillia, chill. your breaths are way too short, you've got to take longer breaths. longer intervals between each time you breathe. your mind is too cluttered and in a total mess, when are you going to tidy it up? are you still going to say after As?! how can you leave the house everyday with the mess- oh, its so undesirable. stop taking things so damn seriously, ohmyfraaaap just stop being so pessismistic and emo nemo will you? the sun takes the effort to shine everyday, in spite of us humans who dont treasure it and emit emit emit those disgusting gases to keep him company. what about you? nobody's harming you, you know. ohmygawd just do yourself a favour alright?!